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Thursday, July 26, 2007

My new mission statement.....

OK. So I am sitting in church on wednesday and we had a guest pastor in because my pastor is in Malaysia. He used a quote in his message that totally summed up what I need to focus on in this struggle with my weight. The quote is "Ambition is the path to success but persistence is the vehicle you arrive in." Persistence. Working out even when you feel that it is not working and you see no progress. Persistence. Continuing to deny your urges to eat emotionally even when you have been really good and the situation is really bad. Persistence. Pushing the reset button even when you think you "blew it" and not just saying "Well, I did terrible today and so I might as well go to Baskin Robbin's and have all 31 flavors and blow this weight loss thing to jupiter." Persistence. Something I have been struggling with the last couple of days. What is going to make this time different from all the other times I tried to lose weight "for good"? Persistence. Lord I pray you give me some persistence and some faith that with your help, I can finish this race.

"Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain." 1Corinthians 9:24

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My one word Meme (whatever that means).....

1. Where is my cellphone? husband
2. Relationship: married
3. My hair: dry
4. Work? everyday
5. My sister? stylish
6. My favorite thing: eating
7. My dream last night: weird
8. Favorite drink: juice
9. Dream car: yukon
10. The room I’m in : livingroom
11. My shoes: none
12. My fears? bugs
13. What do I want to be in 10 years? saved
14. Who did I hang out with this weekend? family
15. What are you not good at? discipline
16. Muffin: blueberry
17. One of my wish list items: make-up
18. Where I grew up? NJ
19. Last thing I did: blog
20. What am I wearing: shorts
21. What are not wearing: shoes
22. Your pets? none
23. Your computer? bootleg
24. Your life: funny
25. Your mood: melancholoy
26. Missing: mom
27. What am I thinking about right now? answers
28. My car? hyundai
29. My kitchen: messy
30. My summer: balmy
31. Favorite color: pink
32. Last time I laughed: today
33. Last time I cried: Sunday
34. School? bleah
35. Love? passion

My log

OK, I was supposed to do this yesterday, but yesterday was a strange day so I am doing it today. :)

8:36 am: Just woke up. I am about to start my day. I have to feed my kids and I have a buttload of cleaning to do and the first thing on my mind FOOD!!! It's like I want it to center me or something, but I am not really that hungry.......

9:31 am: I am actually hungry now. I just fed the kids some peaches and cream oatmeal (you know the ones that come in the little packets) and I want some for myself. The problem is I usually eat 3 or 4 packets but that can't be good.......

11:20 am: I had some oatmeal. I am not really hungry but I am dealing with some business matters and getting frustrated (doesn't anyone hire actual people to talk to you on the phone anymore) and I just want to get something to eat. However, that is not going to make the people take my call. Shucks!


5:55 pm: I just got out of the pool with my kids and they are all washed up and sleeping. I have a lot of cleaning to do but all I really want to do is eat. I guess you can call this feeling overwhelemed?

6:46 pm: Kids are still sleep (thank you God) and I still have that cleaning to do and I still want to eat. This is such a vicious cycle.........

9:41 pm: I am now finally hungry. I was playing some game about chocolates that I downloaded a free trial for and now I want chocolate. I walked to 7 eleven and got one of those Hershey's Cacao Reserve milk chocolate bars (really, they are very small) and I got a ceasar salad. Maybe the good will cancel out the bad, you think?

Monday, July 23, 2007

I am going to give this a shot......

I heard a quote from the author of the book "Lose it for life" and he said that one thing you should do before you eat is write down what you are feeling. Are you actually eating for hunger or are you eating for your emotions? The host of the show that he was a guest on said that she did that for a week and was surprised at the results. Actually, the show was pretty interesting. The show is called "Marriage Uncensored" and you can see the episode here. But I digress, I have decided to take on the challenge. I am going to draft a post, and everytime I think about eating, I am going to write down the time and the why and then post it at the end of the evening. I don't know how many days I am going to do this but I think it should be interesting. Maybe it can inspire you to do the same.......

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A little sef-discipline goes a long way.....

Well, I am almost at a five pound loss. I haven't done much. No exercise yet. Just eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am full (and by full I don't mean pants button popping off and maiming someone across the roon), and recognizing when I am eating for survival or eating to placate my emotions. I will admit that in the past couple of days I haven't had any real tests (well, there was a pint of peanut butter cup ice cream in the freezer today and I did manage to stop myself at just a few spoonfuls) but I am hopeful. If you do something enough, it becomes a habit. I have always been good for the sprint but never a long distance runner. I am aiming to finish this race and run this course for the long haul. Well, it is 2:15 am in my corner of the universe. I bid you all adieu.....

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Father crashes truck, leaves young son to die

You can read the whole story in it's entirety here. The condensed version is this guy is driving in a pick-up with his nine year old son at 1:30 am, he strikes a parked car on the shoulder of the freeway, the boy dies in the crash and he leaves the scene. When the police and the boy's mother arrive to the scene, she says that he called her and told her about the crash but he didn't tell her his whereabouts. The police saw two men watching them from a ways off and, upon questioning them, found out that it was indeed the man they were looking for and his brother. He is in jail and awaiting trial. His charges include drunk driving and manslaughter.
This story aptly shows what our society is coming to. This man was worried about his own hide, left the scene and didn't even think about his son. Now while I am not sure exactly what happened, I can speculate that his son probably didn't die right away and maybe could have been helped. I can only imagine what the mother must be going through. What happens in a society when people don't want to take responsibility for their actions, no matter how dire the consequences? A society where people have little integrity and little character? A society where people have no respect for life?
I began to just type this scripture to put it in here and then as I studied it I couldn't just put it in here but I had to break it down so you could see that it is an EXACT description of our society and that the bible is true:
(the added expalantions are what I gathered from various commetaries)

2Timothy 3: 1-5
"This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be

Lovers of their own selves: Selfish regard of their own interests which interferes with the rights and comforts of others

Covetous: Lovers of money

Boasters: Vain; valuing themselves above all others

Proud: Airy, light, trifling persons; those who love to make a show-who are all outside

Blasphemers: Those who speak of God and sacred things in an unholy way

Disobedient to parents: headstrong children whom their parents cannot persuade or control

Unthankful: Persons without grace, or gracefulness; who think they have a right to the services of all men, yet feel no obligation, and consequently no gratitude; an obvious decline in religion because religion makes us grateful to every benefactor-both God and man

Unholy: Without piety; having no heart reverence for God

Without natural affection : Without that affection which parents bear to their young, and which the young bear to their parents. An affection which is common to every class of animals; Intemperate, fierce - Both too soft, and too hard

Truceebreakers: those who are bound by no promise, held by no engagement, obliged by no oath; persons who readily promise any thing, because they never intend to perform; those who are unwilling to enter into any agreement; that is, either those who are unwilling to be reconciled to others when there is a variance; or those who disregard treaties or agreements

False accusers: Slanderers; striving ever to ruin the characters of others

Incontinent: Literally, “without strength;” that is, without strength to resist the solicitations of passion, or who readily yield to it

Fierce: Ungentle, harsh, severe, and is the opposite of gentleness and mildness; Wild, impetuous, whatever is contrary to pliability and gentleness

Despisers of those that are good: Not lovers of good men; Those who do not love the good must be radically bad themselves

Traitors: Any one who betrays - whether it be a friend or his country; those who deliver up to an enemy the person who has put his life in their hands

Heady: Headstrong, precipitate (hasty), rash, inconsiderate;
ready to do anything without deliberation, or concern for the consequences

High-minded: Inflated with pride or self-conceit; frivolously aspiring; those who are full of themselves, and empty of all good

Lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God: They live for pleasure; they have no serious pursuits; they brook no restraints which interfere with their amusements, and they greatly prefer the pleasures to be found in the gay assembly, in the ball-room, or in the place of low dissipation, to the friendship of their Creator; pleasure, sensual gratification, is their god; and this they love and serve; God they do not

Having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof: They profess religion, or are in connection with the church but oppose the real power of religion; not allowing it to exert any influence in their lives. It imposes no restraint on their passions and carnal propensities, but in all respects, except in the form of religion, they live as if they had None; those who have all their religion in their creed, confession of faith, catechism, bodies of divinity, etc., while destitute of the life of God in their souls; and are not only destitute of this life, but deny that such life or power is here to be experienced or known

and from such turn away"

Now, if that isn't a desciption of our society as showcased by this article, I don't know what is.

Friday, July 20, 2007

The next step

Ok, so while I wouldn't look as good as these ladies do exercising, if I start exercising, one day I hope to. I have made my mind up to curb my eating and make better choices, now I have to move (no pun intended) into the realm of moving. We can't afford a gym at this time so I am going to have to find an alternate way of getting my body in motion. I have two work out DVD's but I live in an upstairs apt in Cali so I don't think it's a good idear for my 350 pound body to be jumping up and down to the firm. Can you imagine my neighbors pictures falling off the wall and things rattling on their shelves scaring them so bad that they run outside screaming "Earthquake!!!" only to find that it's just their upstairs neighbor getting her exercise on. Not good. So I am going to begin to take my bebes and go for a walk. I think that they will enjoy it and it's a start. Hey, anything is better than nothing, and something is better than anything.

My thursday thirteen, but it's friday so it's friday thirteen....AAACK!

Here's my list of thirteen things to I am grateful for:

1. That my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ saw fit to draw me, of all people, salvation.
2. That I received that salvation at that time when it was offered to me.
3. That He delivered me from sleeping around, smoking, drugs, and a perverted mind.
4. That He placed me in a bible believing church that preaches Christ and turning away from sin.
5. That He gave me a godly husband and together we want to fulfill God's will for our lives.
6. That I have a godly husband and together we are in agreement about raising our children in righteousness.
7. That He entrusted me with my two beautiful sons.
8. That I can lay my burdens down on Him and take His yoke which is light.
9. That He has given me wonderful, godly friends and godly women to pattern my life after.
10. That while we are not rich, we are provided for and always have been.
11. That I have His word to guide and direct me, to lift me up and encourage me.
12. That while this world goes crazy, I will have peace in Him.
13. That when my time comes I wiil not fear but rejoice, because I am going to see His face.

"Let us com before His presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto Him with psalms. For the Lord is a great God and a great King above all Gods" Psalms 95:2

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Saying goodbye to a love/hate relationship

I told myself that after my twins turned one, I would wean them from the pacifier. The thing that they love so much. The thing that made my life miserable and better all at one time. I hated those things but I could not live wihtout them. My kids were always losing them and I was always freaking out if I couldn't find one or if we went out and forgot to take them with us. I always thought that my kids were relatively quiet babies but maybe that was just becuase they had a cute, colorful piece of plastic and silicone in their mouths all the time. Right now, my son is screaming in his crib. It is time for him to go to sleep and all I would have to do is put one of those things in his mouth and all would be right in his world. But it's for his own good. just got quiet. Ahhhhh, peace. Mummy is trumphant at last. We are not detoxing them cold turkey just yet. I am just not giving it to them during the day and while I am giving it to them at night, my friend reminded me of this neat little way to wean them. You cut off a tiny bit of the tip of the pacifier every so often and eventually your child is weaned. The funny thing is when I went to cut it, I actually felt anxiety like "Am I sure I really want to do this?" It is so crazy, human beings' natural aversion to doing things we know might be slightly difficult or uncomfortable even when we know that it is better for the bigger picture and that it won't last forever. Ah well, they are asleep and I have a butt load of cleaning to do before my lord (aka my hubby) comes home. Have a good night in bloggy land. Holla!!!!

Introducing Pound 1!!!!!!!!

There she is! The first battle won! I have lost 1 pound! Just one pound but that is a pound less than I was and one step in the right direction. With my little ticker and I, we are going to Hula our way to the treasure chest of thinness and health. Ain't that right, little hula girl? Yeah......

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I could get used to this feeling.......

So let me tell you about my victories in two small battles in the war on weight loss.

#1: My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home until 1:00 am and I usually stay up to make him dinner (he works hard so he DESERVES to come home to a hot meal and a ready wife-on most days). So anyways, man, I am jonesin' for something sweet. First thing that popped into my mind to satiate my palate was Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee ice cream. There was a time when I ate a pint a day for about 3 weeks and at 4 bucks a pop and 1200 calories a pop, it was pretty costly. Some days I ate two or even three pints. However I am trying to get this right, so I settled for some honeydew melon instead. The melon wasn't sweet, a total bummer, and so here I am seriously ready to run out and get some ice cream. But I held my peace and when my husband came home he went to the 7 eleven and instead bought me a Slurpee (I did beg him to get me the ice cream but he didn't do it-bravo!).

#2: Like you know by my earlier posts it was my kid's birtday so I got them some cupcakes to take to church to share with the kids in the nursery. I ate one and man, the frosting was so buttery, creamy, delicious I wanted to lick all the frosting off all 16 cupcakes. I mean it took the jaws of life to keep me from smashing all the remaining cupcake in my face and falling on the floor in a sugar induced frosting stupor. But I held my ground and good sense won for once in my life.

What I would like to say about my experience in these two situations is I didn't die, I didn't starve, I didn't fall on the floor in a puddle screaming "I'm melting" and my head didn't explode. I recognized that I didn't need the food and I controlled myself and I fell pretty darn good. I am actually PROUD of myself. That is a feeling I think I can get used to......

Car trouble and a new resolve not to eat away my stress? Baaaaaaad Combination.....

We have been having trouble with our cars recently. We have a 2001 hyudai elantra and a '94 camaro. The hyndai is all jacked up. Transmission problem, it overheats, the radiator is cracked. We have to drive with the heat on in the middle of the summer so that it doesn't spontaneously combust and burn us to a crisp. The camaro can be driven, but you can't run in the 7 eleven and then run back out and cut it on because the battery is in need of a replacement. Actually, it cut off on me in the middle of the street as I was turning so I was blocking two lanes and the stupid thing is some guy drove past and had the nerve to get upset with me like I just felt like parking my car right in the middle of these two lanes for no apparent reason. Who does that? Anyway, we don't have the money to address these issues right now and don't know what our options are so the stress level is a teensy bit high right now. And when most people are stressed, what do they do? They medicate! Alcohol, Drugs, Sex, Gambling, Shopping, picking their nose (oh, that's just me). And who is my Dr. Feel Good? You guessed it! FOOD! Ice cream, pasta, oatmeal, frozen pizza, pot pies (weird list, huh?). But, waaaait a minute. I am trying to lose weight. Dang it! What to do now? Isn't that just like life? You got a good thing going, you get into a routine that seems to work for you and then BAM! you have to reinvent yourself. So I am looking for new ways to destress. I remeber hearing a quote from this guy (I don't know his name) who wrote the book "Lose it for life" and he said that deciding to lose weight comes with some risks one of them is having to endure anxiety unmedicated. I thought that was a brilliant point. I have to come to grips with the reality that there are going to be times when I am going to feel anxious, frustrated, saddened, confused, angry and in order to be successful, I am not going to be able to medicate myself with food. That is tough. That is all I know to do. I even thought about sending in a postcard to that said "I treat food like it's my best friend but I have 180 extra pounds to prove that it's not." But I have to change. This is my life we are talking about here. And no matter how many pizza rolls I eat, one car still overheats and the other one still dies. I need to make a memo to myself that if it doesn't do anything to change the situation, then what the heck is the point of doing it? Case in point: binge eating.

Happy Birthday Twins

Well, a year has come and gone. Where did the time go? I am not going to say how wonderful it has been, or how much I just love being a mom. There have been times when it downright sucked (like right now, I have to endure crying in stereo because they are tired). But at the end of the day, when I hear them sigh in their sleep or when they wake up and they are just soooo excited to see their mommy those "bad times" just fly out the window. I love my sons more with each passing day and while I can imagine my life without them, I still think I am better off on this side. Mommy and Daddy love you, Darius and Demetrius. Happy first birthday.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

How much more disgusting is society going to get....

I was just taking my children out of the tub and getting them ready for bed when I received a phone call. I looked at the caller ID and saw a number from an area code that I didn't recognize and normally I don't answer those calls but for some odd reason, I decided to answer this one.

It was a woman on the phone and she said that she represented Concerned Women for America. My immediate thought was "Oh Lord, what am about to get myself into?" I have heard different stories of Planned Parenthood and other organizations calling people to get their opinion (and allegiance) on the abortion issue. I am a christian, a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, and I have had an abortion. I was 17, unsaved, not even out of high school and knocked-up by a 23 year-old alcoholic who had just gotten out of jail. He worked at Popeye's and so did I. But, I digress.

This woman on the phone asked me if I would consider myself pro-choice (I am and will explain that later), pro-life, or in the middle. I told her I was pro-life (because my version of pro-choice is not the mainstream version) and paused expecting to pull out the claws and brawl. She said that that was good and proceeded to tell me about a bill currently introduced in the Senate and the House titled the "Freedom of choice Act". Nice, innocent little title isn't it? What she said was that this bill would basically allow any woman, for any reason, at any time in her pregnancy to get an abortion. She was trying to get me to pledge a financial donation to help them to fight this bill and while I am planning to give them something, I could not commit to the amount that they asked for seeing as how I am a stay-home-mom and we don't have much surplus at this time. I asked her to send me some info about the organization (don't want to go around giving money to people you don't know anything about-that is never wise)and I asked her to give me the info about the bill so I could research it for myself.

Now, while I didn't see anything specifically stating that if you want to get an abortion at nine months gestation you can, this is the part that troubles me and the part that I want to expound upon:

(a) Statement of Policy- It is the policy of the United States that every woman has the fundamental right to choose to bear a child, to terminate a pregnancy prior to fetal viability, or to terminate a pregnancy after fetal viability when necessary to protect the life or health of the woman.
(b) Prohibition of Interference- A government may not--

(1) deny or interfere with a woman's right to choose--
(A) to bear a child;
(B) to terminate a pregnancy prior to viability; or
(C) to terminate a pregnancy after viability where termination is necessary to protect the life or health of the woman; or
(2) discriminate against the exercise of the rights set forth in paragraph (1) in the regulation or provision of benefits, facilities, services, or information.
(c) Civil Action- An individual aggrieved by a violation of this section may obtain appropriate relief (including relief against a government) in a civil action.

Now the parts that I want to key in on are 1B and 1C "to terminate a pregnancy prior to viability" and "to terminate a pregnancy after viability where termination is necessary to protect the life or health of the woman". Viability is a loose term. I looked up the term viable in the dictionary and it means "capable of living and developing normally". That encompasses most human embryos. Unless there is some sort of genetic defect or prenatal care was inadequate, the unborn baby would develop normally and thrive inside and then outside of the womb. And what's more, would an unborn child that had a defect be considered "not viable" at any point in the pregnancy because it would not develop normally? Do you see how the lines can get blurred here.

I think what is even scarier is the part where the child can be "terminated after viability when it is necessary to protect the life or health of the woman". Which health? Physical, emotional, psychological or all of the above? And which life? Her actual physical life or her lifestyle? How many women will come out to say that they need to terminate the pregnancy after viability because it will affect their emotional or psychological health to have the baby. That they would be suicidal if they were forced to have this child. Or that it will affect their way of life, that they simply cannot afford to have a child or another child. This is ridiculous. When the crap are we going to stand up and start making people be responsible for their actions? And please don't message me with the crap about rapes and "What if it is in the instance of a rape?" You and I both know that the vast, vast majority of people seeking to get abortions are people who were consenting in their action to have sex and got pregnant.

What I mean when I say I am pro-choice is this: Choose to get a condom, Choose to get birth-control, Choose to "get off" another way without actually having intercourse, Choose to be honest with yourself and realize that you are not in the position to have a baby and so you probably shouldn't be having sex since sex is the #1 cause of pregnancy. I am not some goody-two-shoes who didn't even have premarital sex and am on my high horse looking down on women who have abortions. I am someone who has been there and know what it is like to think about that baby and what it could have been. I am someone who has children and sees what that "lump of cells" becomes and am thankful for those "fetuses" everyday. This has got to stop. We have got to stop lying to ourselves and lying to women. You know with all the "freedom" and "choice" we have, are we any happier or are we more "oppressed"?

Most people don't like house work, but it bites even more when you're fat

Well, today is day one of my "new attitude" and I am still the same old me. I am writing about an issue that plagues most housewives and those that don't stay home and that issue is housework. There are a scant few that acutally "like it", but the vast majority would rather someone else do it. With that being said, it is even doubly whack when you are overweight. Last night, as I was washing the dishes, my back was aching so bad that I literally spread my legs in a wide stance to shorten myself so I wouldn't have to bend so far over into the sink. It's bad enough that I am already six feet tall but when you add 180 extra pounds and size G breasts, it's just not a good combo for old mister spine. I seriously contemplated getting a stool to sit on or something but it would take me too long to wash the dishes sitting. Also, I was making my bed, just making my bed, and broke out into a sweat and got winded. Everytime I bend down to pick something up I have to bend down two or three times because what happens is I bounce back up from my fat squishing together and miss picking up the object. I have a hard time cleaning my tub because it has the sliding doors and the toilet is right in front of it so I have to get in the shower just to clean it and boy, does that wear me out. The funny things is, when I look around my house and see that it is a mess, the first thing I think is "Dang, the house is a mess, I wonder what I can eat." like that is supposed to help. One of my first lines of defense (at least in my mind) when I am overwhelmed by the housework (or anything for that matter) is to eat. I have been gaining ground in the housework area but still I really have to force myself because all I want to do all day is lay in the bed or sit in front of the computer. I can totally see how people get so big they can't get out of bed now. Well, today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. And every moment is another chance for you to excel. Now if I could just follow that..........

Monday, July 16, 2007

Here comes the baby boys

Here is a picture of those adorable twins I gained 120 pounds for

I'll start tomorrow.......

Good evening, all. This whole blogging thing is a veritably new idea for me so bear with me as I work out the kinks of trying to figure out all the trick of the blogosphere trade. My name is Evita Sawyers. I weigh 357 pounds at last count. What is that you say? No, I was not always this way. Let me demonstrate. Exhibit A:

The year: 1999, The location: United Stated Naval Boot Camp, The weight: 195.
I was 17, in shape and a size 11 or 12. I could run a mile and a half in 12 minutes and thirty seconds, do 82 sit-ups in two minutes and I could shop at normal clothing stores (NY&CO, The Gap, Etc.) I was young, I looked good and I was comfortable.

However, as life dragged on, I began a slow descent into obesity. First it was ten pounds, then 20, then 40. I was eating out a lot and eating really late at night. I wasn't making time to exercise. Before I knew it, I weighed 230 lbs.

Presenting Exhibit B:

The year: 2001, The location: Pearl Harbor Naval Base, The weight: 230 lbs.
You know, actually, I don't think I look too bad in this photo. I was on my way to the Persian Gulf and while I wasn't my ideal weight, the extra forty lbs. wasn't all that uncomfortable. But just wait, because if I thought I was fat then I had no idea that I was going to learn the true meaning of fat soon enough......

Presenting Exhibit C:

The year: 2003, The place: USS Boxer, The weight: 305 lbs
Yeah, for those of you wondering, I am big hunk of chocolate marshmallow fluff on the far left. I will never forget that fateful day when I had to weigh in for our annual Physical Readiness test and I tipped the scales at a whopping 305 lbs. Wow, a far cry off from the 195 lbs girl I knew just 2 short years before. I couldn't wear any of my uniforms. I actually had to buy a completely different kind of pant to wear and people began to make fun of me in my division. Something other than my pants buttons had to give.......

Presenting Exhibit D:

The year: 2003, The place: my church, The weight: 255 lbs.
After gaining another 5 lbs. boosting my weight to 310, I began to take control of the situation. I took the bull by the horns (or the heifer by the udder) and started working out two hours a day, six days a week. I stayed away from ALL junk food and drank NOTHING but water. And for the most part it was easy. I was on deplyoment on my ship at the time and so as long as I stayed away from the snack bar while it was open, walk quickly past the dessert and juice bar in the galley, and went to the gym (which wasn't hard cause I had oodles of time on my hands), I did good. Plus I had some friends to keep me going so I was set. I lost 65 lbs in three months and I felt really good. I spent a small fortune on a new wardrobe and I had a new leash on life. This is when I met my husband..........

Presenting Exhibit E:

The year: 2003, The place: J Street Marina, The weight: Unbelievably still 255
We fell in love and the rest is history. We decided to get married and I found my dress for cheap. I vowed to maintain this new found self-control and make it to my goal weight. But as wedding stresses built up so did my trips to the drive-thru by the time I got married I could barely get into my dress.....

Presenting Exhibit F:

The year: 2004, The place: J Street Marina, The weight: 270 lbs
Even with the extra 20 lbs it was a beautiful day. I tried after we got married to get back on track. I went to Weight Watchers and everything but by the year 2005 I had gained all my weight back that I had lost with interest. I was weighing in at 325 lbs. We went through a particularly rough patch in our marriage and once we got through it, I went down to Tijuana, Mexico and began to start this new diet craze that all my friends had been trying. It made the weight melt off. I had lost almost 40 lbs. in six weeks. But little did I know that something else was going on in my belly. You know that old rhyme "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Evita with the baby carriage"? Well I was pregnant and (GASP!) it was twins! We were so stoked. I naturally couldn't think about my weight now, I had not one, but two babies to feed. And feed them I did. I gained a whopping 120 lbs from the time I found out I was pregnant to the time I delivered.

Presenting Exhibit G:

The year: 2006, The place: Kaiser Zion Hospital, The weight: Somewhere around 400 lbs
Yeah, this pic pretty much speaks for itself. G is for gargantuan. I was this huge, black, swollen walrus. It was awful. The majority of my weight came off after having the kids but that doesn't say much since I was overweight to begin with. I began to try to lose weight and was able to get down to about 309. This next phot is actually a photo of me while I was losing. It still ain't pretty, but I was on the pathway....

Exhibit H:

The year: 2006, The place: Church Christmas banquet, The weight: 325
There is that magic number again. 325. I look like a man in this photo. It's like mother and son, not husband and wife. It is so weird going from keeping that photo in a desk drawer so no one can see it to putting it on the internet. I wish I weighed 325 now. I am actually 357. I have got to get a grip. My life is slipping away from me and I didn't want to spent the better part of my 20's fat. I want to see my kids grow up and be a part of that. I want my husband to look at me the way he used to. I want to look at me the way I used to. I will post a picture of myself now and track my progress as I go. Maybe having some accountability to you folks out there will keep me going. I have got to shake the idea that somewhere out there, there is this pain-free, sacrifice-fee, quick fix to my problem. I didn't gain it overnight and I sure as heck ain't losing it overnight. Well, au revoir for now. It's getting late and tomorrow is a new day.