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Friday, August 10, 2007

Five o' clock in the morning-where you gonna be? ON MY COMPUTER!!!!!

So I woke up this morning at five and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't go to bed super early, maybe about 11 or so, but I just couldn't get back to sleep. I think it is because my kids are gone, it just feels weird. Anyway, I am going to go to the gym for the first time today. They have a salsa-groove aerobics class that I really wanted to try out and now I just feel like I have all these things I want to do since my kids are with their grandparents and I don't have to worry about who is going to watch them, do I have enough juice, is the stroller in the trunk, you know, mom stuff. I am going to our annual church conference next week and to be honest, I am ambivalent about it. I am soooo excited to go and see all the different people from the different churches, the friends and acquaintances that I have made over the years, but I am a lot heavier than I was the last time we went. Granted I have had twins since everyone last saw me, but that was still over a year ago (geez, where does the time go). I used to laugh when people were doing all this stuff to lose weight before conference and buying all these clothes like I didn't care how I looked but this year I am disgusted with myself. I look like crap all the time because I feel like crap all the time. I won't buy any new clothes because I told myself I wouldn't buy any new clothes until I lost weight but now I regret that because I just don't try anymore and I don't think that is good. I used to take pride in my looks and lately if I got on a clean shirt, I am doing alright. No worries, we don't go there for a fashion show but I know that I should, as a christian and as a woman, put my best face, body, etc. forward. So next year, I resolve to go to conference changed (and I might add for the better).


Lady T said...

i know what you mean....thats not the purpose of the conferences but when you go...and everyone is basically looking "hooked" it can make you feel a bit insecure.

growing up as a PK with a father in the AMEZion sector means i've had more conference rounds than i could ever count.

maybe, if theres any money for it, you could get one suit. just one. and that will help you look and feel more pulled together. try to get something done with your hair and DONT skip your makeup. you may still not look how you want....but you can try not to look thru and busted.

oh! and the twins excuse....that will carry you for a couple years, so dont sweat that! lol. my mom had twins...she's still blaming it on them umpteen years later!

oh, and i'm well past DDD myself. which makes the stomach issue even more important to address. bc considering i'm a G…the fact that my stomach had nearly caught up was frightening! lol. but i can still fake it by sucking in...but who wants to do that all day?

(sorry for "posting" in your comments.)

Kitty said...

Don't say you are disgusted with yourself BMB! You are GORGEOUS and large or small, that won't change.

Anyone can diet and be thin at the end of it. But beauty is harder to come by darling, and you've got loads of it baby!!!

k8 said...

hey i like your blog! i don't 'have the nerve to post my virtual model so more power to ya!

Sunny said...

I agree with Lady T - one new outfit would be nice. Who cares if you can't wear it for long - - when it's too big sell it on EBay or give it away, but something new may help you feel better about things. I can't imagine how quiet it must be this week with the kid's gone. What a change...a weird kind of quiet.

Chubby Chick said...

I stumbled upon your blog this week, and I'm so glad I did. It's nice to know that there are others out there that are going through the same struggles.

sandy said...

bmb - where are you?! come baccckkkk!!!